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This holiday morning, are you worried you didn’t choose quite the right present for that someone special? I always try, but everywhere I turn the suggestions flood in with impractical ideas. No, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, because we’ll be cooking turkey. I also don't need a sunrise alarm clock, since I can leave the blinds achieves the same thing. I certainly do not want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, because said DNA comes from fish semen. If I wanted fish sperm applied to my skin, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.

Seeking Ideas In the Animal Kingdom

So if you’re always looking for inspiration, my advice is: learn from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent the act of giving. This tradition has been around for over 100 million years, well before our species evolved. Aided by evolution, this has given wild animals plenty of time to master gift-giving. Heck, certain arachnids go so far as to wrap their presents!

Excluding exercise-related items and other things I dislike, there are five main types of Christmas gift: food, homeware, jewelry, skincare and apparel. The animal kingdom excels in every category.

Food Gifts: High-Protein Treats to Gourmet Skewers

Brazilian cuckoos offer their mates high-protein snacks such as insects, frogs and lizards. However, for those who like their meat skewered, then the butcher bird, also known as Lanius excubitor. The males spear their catch, such as insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and branches crafting impromptu kebabs.

Some insects gift their beaus salivary offerings, but these aren’t ordinary globs. These represent scorpionfly spitballs, created from the freshest saliva from the engorged salivary glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is nutrient-dense, which is one reason females prefer males with larger gifts.

Another reason involves the most genetically robust males make the biggest spitballs. By "fit" I don’t mean physical appearance, although they probably do. I mean genetic fitness.

These presents are offered as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the largest gift, the female is choosing superior genes. She then eats the gift during sex but terminates intercourse as soon as it’s all gone. Larger gifts mean extended mating sessions, where the male can transfer more sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This explains the male's motivation for with such an elaborate offering.

Nest-Building and Shiny Objects

These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do give nesting materials. On the icy continent, where they live, one cannot find home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their gifts from their surroundings. Every mating season, the males gather pebbles and start making their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, prompting some opportunists to pilfer stones from their neighbours. However, when a male presents a stone to a potential mate, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the penguin equivalent of an engagement ring. The rock is not worn, though. If she wants to get serious, she takes the gift and adds it into the nest. Then, after a few final adjustments, they are prepared to start their family.

Regarding bling, corvids are masters in this department. There are many stories of individuals who have befriended wild crows and then been given metal caps, fasteners, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, a couple in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet by a crow they often fed. This is particularly endearing since, whereas many creatures give presents in the hope of scoring, crows seem to give simply for the joy of it.

The Ultimate Multipurpose Present: Sponges

In Western Australia, dolphins have been spotted plucking clumps of marine sponge from the seabed and using them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, while foraging for food, they wear the sponges on their beak to shield their skin. At other times, when male dolphins wish to court females, they wear them like jaunty hats before offering them as gifts.

In so doing, dolphins brilliantly combine two final categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges serve as attire and skin protection. And if that’s not enough, when males give their sponge hats away, they often strike a U-shaped “banana pose” and produce a little tune via their blowhole.

This stands in contrast to the lackluster presents from pets – like a cat presenting a deceased rodent in an obscure corner – or some people. Dolphin gifts are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, sustainably sourced and delivered with flair. There is a lesson from them. A famous singer may have said the only desire for Christmas is a loved one, however, my single holiday wish, is to be given a sponge-based headwear and skin guard by a dolphin who serenades me with style.