Those Words given by A Dad Which Helped Me as a Brand-New Father

"In my view I was simply just surviving for the first year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of fatherhood.

However the reality rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health complications around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that helped him see he required support.

The simple words "You aren't in a good spot. You require some help. In what way can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While the public is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about PND, less is said about the challenges new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are part of a larger failure to open up between men, who continue to hold onto negative ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a sign of being weak to seek help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - particularly in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to take a respite - spending a couple of days away, outside of the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "bad decisions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he says. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your partner or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be playing sport, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is coping.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can look after your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the frustrations safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their struggles, transformed how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I think my role is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."