I Was Convinced I Was a Homosexual Woman - The Legendary Artist Helped Me Discover the Reality

During 2011, several years before the acclaimed David Bowie show debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I publicly announced a homosexual woman. Up to that point, I had exclusively dated men, one of whom I had married. Two years later, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single mother of four, making my home in the United States.

During this period, I had started questioning both my sense of self and attraction preferences, searching for answers.

I entered the world in England during the early 1970s - before the internet. As teenagers, my friends and I didn't have social platforms or YouTube to turn to when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; conversely, we looked to music icons, and during the 80s, artists were experimenting with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist donned masculine attire, The Culture Club frontman adopted women's fashion, and pop groups such as popular ensembles featured artists who were proudly homosexual.

I craved his lean physique and precise cut, his defined jawline and flat chest. I wanted to embody the artist's German phase

In that decade, I lived riding a motorbike and dressing like a tomboy, but I reverted back to traditional womanhood when I decided to wed. My partner relocated us to the United States in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull revisiting the male identity I had previously abandoned.

Since nobody played with gender to the extent of David Bowie, I chose to devote an open day during a seasonal visit back to the UK at the museum, hoping that perhaps he could provide clarity.

I was uncertain exactly what I was searching for when I walked into the display - maybe I thought that by immersing myself in the opulence of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, as a result, stumble across a insight into my personal self.

Quickly I discovered myself positioned before a small television screen where the film clip for "that track" was playing on repeat. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking polished in a dark grey suit, while to the side three backing singers dressed in drag crowded round a microphone.

Unlike the performers I had seen personally, these ladies weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Placed in secondary positions, they were chewing and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, seemingly unaware to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a brief sensation of empathy for the supporting artists, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and restrictive outfits.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in female clothing - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to end. Precisely when I understood I connected with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Surprise. (Naturally, there were further David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I wanted to shed all constraints and become Bowie too. I desired his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his strong features and his male chest; I sought to become the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. And yet I couldn't, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as queer was a different challenge, but gender transition was a much more frightening prospect.

I needed several more years before I was prepared. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and threw away all my women's clothing, cut off my hair and commenced using masculine outfits.

I altered how I sat, modified my gait, and modified my personal references, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the potential for denial and remorse had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

Once the David Bowie display completed its global journey with a engagement in Brooklyn, New York, five years later, I revisited. I had arrived at a crisis. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the identical footage in 2018, I knew for certain that the issue wasn't my clothes, it was my physical form. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a feminine man who'd been presenting artificially throughout his existence. I wanted to transform myself into the man in the sharp suit, performing under lights, and then I comprehended that I had the capacity to.

I made arrangements to see a physician soon after. The process required additional years before my transition was complete, but not a single concern I anticipated came true.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so others regularly misinterpret me for a homosexual male, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to play with gender like Bowie did - and given that I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.